Sleeping separately SAVED my marriage
My wife and I have completely different sleep habits.
I'm a hot sleeper, while she’s a cold sleeper.
To clarify, when we go to bed, I sleep shirtless in boxers with just a thin blanket over me. On the other hand, my wife wears a jumper, long pants, and uses two thick blankets.
We also have a fan in the room, which I point directly at myself to stay cool. However, the fan creates a draft that leaves her feeling cold.
So, our body temperatures are worlds apart when it’s time to sleep.
We never had a major argument about it, as we both tried to make each other comfortable. But, in reality, we were both silently suffering.
It was unbearable.
If you’re a hot sleeper like me, you know that feeling of being too hot to sleep—every part of your body seems to burn, and it makes falling asleep nearly impossible. Even when I was exhausted, it took forever to drift off, and once I finally did, I’d often wake up in the middle of the night, overheated, and struggle to get back to sleep.
Not fun.
Meanwhile, my wife wasn’t sleeping well either. She’d either wake up because I was tossing and turning from the heat or feel cold because of the fan.
It was a lose-lose situation.
As we’re learning more about the importance of sleep for overall health, we realized just how much poor sleep can affect not only our health but also our mood and mental state. Without quality rest, things can get ugly—especially with a baby on the way.
If we had let it continue, I’m sure it would’ve strained our relationship.
So, we made what some might call a dramatic decision: we started sleeping separately. I moved to the couch in the living room, where the air conditioning kept me cool, while my wife stayed in bed, warm and cosy.
This idea came from a podcast I listened to—Tim Ferriss interviewing Rich Roll on The Tim Ferriss Show. Rich Roll, an ultra-endurance athlete, shared how he started sleeping on his roof to get better rest, a practice he’s maintained for over 10 years. He’s also a hot sleeper and claimed that sleeping outside gave him the best sleep of his life, leading to numerous benefits (Listen on Spotify, watch on YouTube).
Inspired, we decided to give it a try.
At first, it felt odd. I was used to my bed, and my wife was used to me being there. But the results came quickly.
Within a week, I started falling asleep almost immediately (thanks to the air conditioning). My sleep was deeper and uninterrupted through the night.
My wife also adjusted to sleeping without me beside her. She wasn’t disturbed by my tossing and turning, so she slept much better, too.
We kept this routine up for almost a year. When our son was born during that time, it worked out even better. One of us did the night shift without waking the other, and the other took the morning shift, allowing the other to sleep in.
By the time winter rolled around, and our son was only waking up once a night, I moved back into bed. And this time, I slept better than ever.
So, if you’re in a similar situation, don’t worry about social norms or feel bad about sleeping separately. Try it out and see how much better you both feel after a good night’s sleep.
And if it doesn’t work, you can always go back!
P.S. Here are two things that have drastically improved my ability to fall asleep quickly:
No screens for at least one hour before bed.
Reading a fiction book in bed (instead of doom-scrolling).